Canby resident teaches grief relief classes offering path toward healing, hope

By Jules Rogers

Grief is often associated with the death of a loved one, but it can follow many kinds of loss — divorce, illness, financial hardship, retirement, a move or even the loss of independence.

For Joanne Petrie, who spent more than 30 years working as a hospice chaplain, grief is not something people are meant to navigate alone.

“Grief is not a lone ranger thing,” she said. “We need each other to work through the pain of all kinds of loss.”

Petrie is leading a five-week grief relief class at Christ the King Church, 1905 N. Maple St., from September 9 through October 8.

The class is designed to give people both instruction and a supportive community as they work through grief.

Participants learn about the grieving process and then have opportunities to discuss the lessons and complete activities in smaller groups, Petrie said. The goal is to help people understand that their experiences, while personal, are not necessarily unique.

“A lot of people think they can do it by themselves,” she said. “But I believe the grieving needs to be done in groups, and I think you need instruction.”

Grief can affect people mentally, physically, and spiritually, she said. Some people withdraw from others or experience physical symptoms before recognizing that grief may be contributing to what they are feeling.

And loss does not always come in the form of a death.

Petrie said she has worked with people grieving after divorce, suicide, murder, illness, infertility and miscarriage. She has also seen grief accompany financial losses, scams, retirement, relocation and the loss of a driver’s license.

For older adults, for example, giving up a driver’s license can mean losing a sense of independence and mobility.

“There’s something that happens to us inside when we’ve gone through any kind of a loss,” she said.

That broad understanding of grief comes in part from Petrie’s own experiences.

She has experienced the deaths of two husbands, including one who died when she was 45, as well as divorce. Her most recent husband, Ron, died after they had been married for 27 years.

After his death, she also had to sell her home and move into Hope Village, where she had previously worked with families as a hospice chaplain.

She had long admired the community through her work and had hoped to eventually move there. Just days after her husband died, she put $500 down to get on the waiting list.

There were more than 25 people ahead of her, she said, but none were ready to move. The next day, she got the call: Her apartment was available.

The move brought another major transition at an already difficult time.

“I was the executor of my husband’s will. I had to do all that, and then I had to sell my house and move out to Hope Village,” she said. “That was a huge adjustment for me.”

But she decided to apply the same principles she teaches others.

“I believe change is inevitable, but growth is optional,” she said.

Since moving to Hope Village, she has intentionally worked to build relationships in her new community, including teaching a Neighbor to Neighbor class, organizing a block party and inviting neighbors into her home.

“I decided that when I moved here, you know, I was going to learn a lot about the people in Hope Village,” she said. “I’ve made it an absolute purpose to have people in this facility come into my home and have dinner or have coffee. I’ve just said that I am going to grow through this time in my life.”

That personal experience informs the grief relief class, which she describes as practical and grounded in the tools she has learned throughout her career.

The first session establishes a foundation by asking what grief is and how it affects people. Participants are given an opportunity to share some of their experiences and begin building trust within the group.

Over the five weeks, the class addresses topics including forgiveness, acceptance, letting go, saying goodbye and finding a “new normal.”

Saying goodbye, she explained, does not mean saying goodbye to the person who has died. Instead, it can mean acknowledging that a relationship or way of life has changed.

The class also focuses on recognizing what remains rather than concentrating exclusively on what has been lost. Participants receive a “Count Your Blessings” book to help them identify positive things that remain in their lives.

“It’s easy, easy to see what you don’t have,” she said.

Ultimately, she wants participants to begin thinking about how they can “reinvest” in their lives.

She recommends that people experiencing a major loss give themselves some time to handle the immediate practical responsibilities before seeking additional support. For many people, she said, about six weeks may be a reasonable point to begin considering a grief class, although everyone’s experience is different.

Healing, she said, does not mean forgetting what happened or simply “moving on.”

“I would say it is moving forward,” she said. “However the person wants to move forward.”

For one person, that could mean getting out of the house more. For another, it could mean rebuilding self-esteem after a divorce or finding a new job after a layoff.

The pace is different for everyone.

“The grieving process takes a long time because you have a heart that’s broken,” she said. “So how do we begin to slowly put the pieces of your life back together?”

Her hope is that participants eventually begin to see possibilities again.

“The change I pray for more than they think, as they can see hope that they can reinvest their life again,” she said. “I want to see them have hope in their eyes.”

For someone unsure whether they are ready to attend a grief class, she has a simple message: showing up is a first step.

“I think the greatest gift they can give themselves is to move forward enough to show up,” she said. “I think it takes a lot of courage to come.”

She also views grief as an inevitable consequence of having loved.

“I think grief is a price you pay for the ability to love,” she said. “We’ve all loved. We love ourselves, we love our jobs, we love the people, and then we go through this incredible loss, and we have to learn again how to love.”

The ultimate goal is not to erase the loss, but to help people find purpose and possibility afterward.

“A lot of them just don’t believe that,” she said. “They just shut the door of hope.”

And when that door begins to open again, she said, the change can be visible.

“The greatest gift that I can see is that they have a sparkle back in their eyes,” she said. “They think, you know, I can go out of the store and go shopping. I can go to a meeting or something. Maybe go back to church. I can go. It’s just to see them feel like there’s a purpose again.”

Grief resources

One to Another also offers additional grief support throughout the year.

A free grief support group meets twice a month at the Oregon City Pioneer Community Center, 615 Fifth St., from 1:30 to 3 p.m. The group meets on the second and fourth Thursdays of the month.

A free class on navigating the holidays is scheduled for Nov. 15 from 3:30 to 5 p.m. at Rolling Hills Community Church.

Petrie has also authored “How to Say Goodbye: Looking Through Personal Grief,” which is available for $10 through One to Another, or $16 when mailed. Her late husband, Dr. Ron Petrie, also wrote “Into the Cave: When Men Grieve.”

More information about One to Another’s classes and resources is available at onetoanother.org.

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